For I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139!

Lately, I've been really been pushing the truth of the gospel with my kids. It amazes me the questions they have and how receptive they are to it. So I figured why not? They enjoy it and decided that I'd just integrate it with writing. It's such a privilege to be in a school where I can so openly talk about Christ and the things He's done and does for us. If you received my letter, you'd know half my class is Catholic and half is Christian - but that doesn't mean they're all Christ followers. So lately we've been discussing the idea of God creating a bigger story in our lives especially in the midst of trial and problems and learning how to be thankful for all things God purposely and intentionally allows to be in our lives; even the problems that seem so hard and almost hopeless. I asked my students if they'd be willing to share some of their problems. I was amazed at how many students raised their hands with excitement! This was definitely something that wouldn't have happened at the beginning of the school year. Pressing on, I was suddenly moved to read Psalm 139, Holy Spirit I think. Ironically, he's been using it to help me realize, rerealize just how intentional He is in my life. It also makes me understand that God is with me in the pain, not the reverse. And though he doesn't create it he is in it, right there with me. Even if I don't understand it all the time. Trials don't define us, rather they shape us into who God wants us to be even if it's EXTREMELY hard. And redemption is waiting at the end of this life. "For even darkness is not as dark to you. To you the night shines like the day!" Reading on... 

O LORD, you have examined my heart  

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.    

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel      

and when I rest at home.      

You know everything I do. 

You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. 

You go before me and follow me.You place your hand of blessing on my head. 

 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!     

I can never get away from your presence!

If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the grave, you are there. 

If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night—

but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!      

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 

You saw me before I was born.      

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.   

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

 They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; 

 they outnumber the grains of sand! 

 And when I wake up, you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!

Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you;

your enemies misuse your name. 

O LORD, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?  

Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

Yes, I hate them with total hatred,      

for your enemies are my enemies.

 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Yes. I read this whole thing to my class - plus or minus a bilingual translation. I was amazed at the responses I got. Listen class, as I read: "You saw me before I was born. Every [single] day of my life was recorded in your book of LIFE! Every [single] moment has been laid out before it has even come to pass! I told them to think of all the beaches they know of in Mexico: Cancun, Vallarta, Manzanillo; now think of how many grains of sand there are. Think how small they are." Students marveled as I read this, how can God be so personal? How can God know everything about me and still love me? Don't I have to be or do certain things for him to love me and want me? The answer... no. To be honest, I've been struggling with the same thing. 
But God knows it even before it leaves my lips. He has a plan for me even before I know it myself. He knew I would be in Mexico this year. He knew I would have this class, way more far in advance than I did, and he knows when and if I'm going to grad school. He knows who and when I am going to marry. He knows me... he has made me so wonderfully complex! It's been so incredible to be part of this smaller miracle he is doing in my heart, at Lincoln, in my kids' hearts, and in Mexico. I still hate myself at times for being so critical of my inmost being and sometimes wonder if God made a mistake when he made me this way; but God made it, how can it be bad? God is a perfect God and makes no mistakes and he made me with a purpose! I marvel at that. I marvel at the many and different ways He reveals himself to me and the world. I hope I never take this for granted, though I probably will. But that's okay. Because the next time, it will hit home even harder and I will fall even deeper into the character of God and who He is - the One who created me and loves me for who I am, not what I do! 

May God be with you today; may you be reminded that your life has a purpose. And that there is a God who loves you for every piece he created!

My past, present, and well... future.

I used to think I had to have it all figured out, but the more I think about it and the more I anticipate something to happen the complete opposite usually does and I tend to freak out a little. Okay, well A LOT. But lately God has been showing me just how HUGE he is in all of it. I look at my life and the people whose lives I've been able to be a part of, the places I've been so blessed to live in and see, and the experiences my heart has so harshly received and yet I can look back at it all and say thank you and see how it all makes my life more beautiful and profound. If God hadn't ordained my life to be the way it's been then well sadly... I wouldn't know certain people or even begin to fathom how IN CONTROL He is. It boggles my mind and makes me realize I really don't have an option next year. God's got it covered and all I have to do is hang on to my seat belt and "enjoy" the ride. Which, to be frank, isn't always easy for my heart to take. Yet lately God's given me such a peace about it. I've been in Mexico for about five months now, something I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be doing at this point in my life. I "plan" on pursuing a masters in ESL - well, to be honest, because I love my Mexican and international kids so MUCH!!! Their spanglish sentences are addicting ;) I've thought about leaving next year, but something in me keeps saying "hold on." So I am. I still don't know what next year looks like, nor do I want to.

Every day I begin to see how much God wants his best for me, and if his best is HIS BEST then I shouldn't fight him or force myself to obey him. Like one of my favorite songs says, "Its gotta be more like falling in love than something to believe in. More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance." So I do my best to treat each day like it's something special. I try not to worry as much about my future because it's going to happen. Might as well not freak out. Instead, I marvel at my kids as they grow - spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I pray for my friends and family back home. And I find myself enjoying teaching more as I get into the year more. Teaching primary is not about the academics. It's about the hidden curriculum: to touch a child's heart and life in the present to impact their future! And the more and more I do it, the easier it becomes. I love my students. And I love the fact that they shy away from calling my "teacher" and now say "Miss Wilhelm" and generally spell it right ;)

Going with the theme of time, while I was home over break, God really convicted me of treating my life like it's not His. When in fact it is. I used to (and still do at times) blame him for making me so emotional. I'll admit it. I have a hard heart: easy to love things, but so hard to trust and break through my walls. I still have moments but find myself looking at it more as a blessing rather than a curse. To look at it as something that would draw me closer to him and to the people around me and to really use my time for what it's worth. To not be angry about my heart, but to ignore it and love anyway even if it doesn't feel or seem like it at the moment. Another Jason Gray song that really struck a cord with me, and still does, is called "Good to Be Alive." It goes:

"I won't take it for granted
I won't waste another second
All I want is to give you
A life well lived to say, "Thank you"

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow
Love like I'm on borrowed time..."

I heard this song and decided to make it my new year's resolution. Not that circumstances will be good, there's always a good mix of good, bad, and ugly, in every year - but that I would take each moment and live it for the Lord wholly and truly to the best of my ability. May God bless you and keep you this year my friends. Be filled with hope, be filled with peace, and love, and joy....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you,” says the LORD. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” ~Jeremiah 29:11-14